Love is Only a Stalemate and We are all Fighting our Own World Wars

My war has been lost.
You were the evil that tore through my land. Leaving nothing behind but your garbage. You didn’t just betray me or use me, that would have been preferable. You devastated my world, you raped my soul, and you used me as your receptacle - your means of disposing your deepest fears, your anger, your shame (and your shame runs even deeper than the chasms that surround my sun). You pillaged my faith, you stole my ability to trust. You harvested my love and then used it to feed your locusts and rats, you brought nothing but pestilence and pain, you are a plague. You are a cancer. You do not deserve one morsel of peace. You are the only one breathing in and out of those wretched organs that oxygenate your tainted blood supply. My disgust for you is unreachable, unfathomable, unprecedented. I am repulsed by all of humanity and yet I yearn for a kind word or a gentle touch. Yet, just as suddenly as tears of loneliness begin to fall down my tired cheeks, a bitter scream escapes my throat -
I begin to choke on the vomit of you.



Decisions Are Emotional, not Logical: The Neuroscience behind Decision Making

Think of a situation where you had bulletproof facts, reason, and logic on your side, and believed there was absolutely no way the other person could say no to your perfectly constructed argument and proposal. To do so would be impossible, you figured, because there was no other logical solution or answer.

And then the other person dug in his heels and refused to budge. He wasn’t swayed by your logic. Were you flabbergasted? 

This is similar to what many negotiators do when they sit down at the table to hammer out a deal. They come armed with facts, and they attempt to use logic to sway the other party. They figure that by piling on the data and using reason to explain their side of the situation, they can construct a solution that is simply irrefutable—and get the other party to say yes.

They’re doomed to fail, however, because decision-making isn’t logical, it’s emotional, according to the latest findings in neuroscience.

A few years ago, neuroscientist Antonio Damasio made a groundbreaking discovery. He studied people with damage in the part of the brain where emotions are generated. He found that they seemed normal, except that they were not able to feel emotions. But they all had something peculiar in common: they couldn’t make decisions. They could describe what they should be doing in logical terms, yet they found it very difficult to make even simple decisions, such as what to eat. Many decisions have pros and cons on both sides—shall I have the chicken or the turkey? With no rational way to decide, these test subjects were unable to arrive at a decision.

So at the point of decision, emotions are very important for choosing. In fact even with what we believe are logical decisions, the very point of choice is arguably always based on emotion.

This finding has enormous implications for negotiation professionals. People who believe they can build a case for their side using reason are doomed to be poor negotiators, because they don’t understand the real factors that are driving the other party to come to a decision. Those who base their negotiation strategy on logic end up relying on assumptions, guesses, and opinions. If my side of the argument is logical, they figure, then the other side can’t argue with it and is bound to come around to my way of thinking. The problem is, you can’t assume that the other party will see things your way. 

What the negotiator can and must do, however, is create a vision for the other side to bring about discovery and decision on their part. In the end, your opponent will make the decision because he wants to. Getting him to want to, using the step-by-step methodology that is part of the Camp System, is the job of the negotiator—not trying to convince him with reason. 

You don’t tell your opponent what to think or what’s best. You help them discover for themselves what feels right and best and most advantageous to them. Their ultimate decision is based on self-interest. That’s emotional. I want this. This is good for me and my side.

There’s a detailed and systematic way to go about building vision the right way. But in general, if you can get the other party to reveal their problems, pain, and unmet objectives, then you can build a vision for them of their problem, with you and your proposal as the solution. They won’t make their decision because it is logical. They’ll make their decision because you have helped them feel that it’s to their advantage to do so.
* * * * * Jim Camp is founder and CEO of The Camp Negotiation Institute, with more than 400 students from 24 countries enrolled in its Team Member courses. He is author of two bestselling books published by Crown, Start with No and NO: The Only System of Negotiation You Need for Work or Home, which have been translated into 12 languages, and a new 6-CD audio program "The Power of No," produced by Nightingale-Conant. He was recently a featured panelist at Harvard's 2012 Negotiation & Leadership Conference



 I lost my very first blog a couple years ago . . . 

good question! 
Sadly, i do not have the answer...
I fell into an incredibly deep chasm somewhere within that wretched grey matter between my ears.  
By the time i was able to even peek over the edge after clawing my way up, 
I could no longer even remember my log in information . . . 
Bummer, too.  it was growing into a nice blog!  
(here it is, anyways.... a ghost of what might have been a lot more)


And what a fine #Sunrise for a fine IG #GoodMorning! Buenas Días! ;)

Via Flickr:

“This song of mine will wind its music around you,
my child, like the fond arms of love.
This song of mine will touch your
forehead like a kiss of blessing.
When you are alone it will sit by your side
and whisper in your ear…
When you are in the crowd,
it will fence you about with aloofness.
My song will be like a pair of wings to your dreams, it will transport your heart
to the verge of the unknown.
It will be like the faithful star overhead when dark night is over your road.
My song will sit in the pupils of your eyes,
and will carry your sight into the heart of things.
And when my voice is silenced in death, my song will speak in your living heart.”

~Rabindranath Tagore